Faith

This is an exerpt of a letter I'd recently written to a friend.

So you totally called me out on the not telling you about Jesus thing – this is a hot topic for me (and always has been). My faith is … unsteady, to say the least. Here’s my story:

I was raised in church. My mom and her side of the family were devout, old school Christians (totally anti-alcohol, my grandparents weren’t advocates of dancing, rest on Sundays, etc). I went like 3 years (literally) without missing Sunday school. I went to church Sunday mornings, evenings, and Wednesday nights. I read the Bible 3 times before I finished high school. As I got older, I taught Vacation Bible School classes, played the piano for worship, led the singing, did the “special music” (which consisted of me singing church songs into a karaoke machine), anything and everything (we had a small church so volunteers were few and far between). Eventually I grew resentful of having to do so much for the church without “getting much back in return” (meaning that there was nothing to engage anyone of my age group – mostly b/c I was pretty much the only one in my age group). My family constantly reminded me that I was “different” b/c I was a child of God – which is fine, but when you’re in the midst of puberty, the last thing you want is constant reminders of how you’re different and will never fit in. I rebelled in high school, and then got involved in the Navigators on OU’s campus. They were an awesome group that exposed me to the freedom found in Christ. Instead of church being something that listed out what I couldn’t or shouldn’t do, it became a wonderful reminder of how to fully experience life. That lasted for a while, then I started hanging with some less than well behaved friends and that kinda went away. As much as I loved and appreciated my walk w/ Christ, I liked to fit in and party even more.

During college, I fluctuated between longing for a relationship with God and wanting to just have a good time. Occasionally, I’d venture up to Galbreath Chapel to have some alone time w/ God (I cried a lot there, ashamed of myself). I felt guilty a lot of the time and decided that I couldn’t have any kind of good relationship with God because of my less than Christian-like behavior. While I was in Jax, I struggled still. I went to Celebration Church sometimes… I remember my first mother’s day in Jax, I cried during the whole service b/c I missed my mom so much. Throughout my entire life, guilt has played as much of a role as faith. To me (for the longest time, anyway… I’m getting better at things now), guilt and faith went hand in hand…

When I got pregnant, I was totally at a loss. I felt guilty, pissed, GUILTY (for being such a bad person, for bringing a child into the world to have a slut mom, for shaming my family, etc….). Throughout my pregnancy, I taped the verse (Jeremiah 29:11) to my fridge and read it daily “For I know the plans I have for you, declared the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” I started going back to church, trying to get myself straight before I had a kid. One of my biggest focuses at the time was to get forgiveness - from God, my mom, myself… One day, I just decided that it wasn’t fair to me or my future kid to NOT forgive myself, which is when I decided that Olivia’s middle name would be Grace. Serves as a nice reminder, ya know?

When I moved back to OH, I struggled with EVERYTHING. Moving back to OH, no home of my own, no secure or family friendly job, no partner, no idea of what the hell was happening SUCKED. I ended up reading a lot in the New Testament (can’t remember book/chapter) about Faith. I thought if I studied enough, prayed enough, hoped enough, things would work out and be easier for me. After what seemed like my 10,000^th job interview that I didn’t get, I gave up. I became resentful and apathetic. “If God isn’t going to help me, then I guess it’s up to me.” Ironically, just now as I was searching the internet for the chapter I used to read all the time, I came across Hebrews 11 (39 These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised. 40 God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect.). So I guess I’m not the only one that’s felt screwed in their faith.

Anyway. Present day. I think about God and my faith (and lack thereof) A LOT. I take Liv to church occasionally, but I find myself questioning things more often than I used to. A virgin birth? Really? I also think that my view on God has been a bit disturbed due to the fact that I was raised thinking that God was here to PUNISH me (not to be my friend or give me true freedom, as I now think is more true than just being the Punisher). Not to mention that the comparison between my relationship with God should be similar to that with my dad (which my dad is a total asshole) didn’t seem right to me. Soooo. I guess I just didn’t mention it to you before b/c I didn’t really know what to say. Plus I’ve always been paranoid about talking to other people about such things, since I definitely don’t have all the answers nor the behavior that reflects those beliefs.

I’m reading a book (slowly) called 12 “Christian beliefs” that can Drive You Crazy. They consist of things like “Give your problems to God and you won’t have any.” Mostly stuff that I was raised hearing – and although it sounds true and good, God doesn’t automatically fix your life so easily – we have to work for what we get. I guess what I get confused about is … it has to be a team effort. God can’t just control everything we do or everything that happens to us – He loves us enough to give us freedom of choice… Just seems like a complicated relationship that I don’t necessarily feel like I deserve (told ya, I still struggle w/ guilt a lot). Another thing in that book is something about how many people think that they must change their behaviors before they’re able to have a good relationship with God (including me) but that’s not necessarily true. If we start working on cultivating the inside of us and our relationship with Christ, the behaviors will eventually follow (which makes sense, but again, not something I’m sure I could do, or want to do, or know how to do….).

So there ya have it – the history on my Walk with Christ. I will say that I really enjoy hearing your discoveries that you find in your journey – keep updating me (you make me think, which is good)!