The fourth was decent. Went to see crap fireworks w/ my aunt, uncle, and grams. The show was absolutely horrible, and made me feel a tad nastalgic. None of us did anything last year. I think Jerm had planned on doing something, but it rained and so you guys stayed home too. I think about this one quote that I found when I first moved to Jax "With one hand the past pushes us onward while with the other hand it holds us back." I thought it was very applicable then, and most definitely now. I get kinda wishy washy thinking i wasted last year to do nothing, not knowing that it would be my last fourth as just me. I mentioned it to another friend (texted after the show) and she replied w/ "there'll be a million more 4th of julys" but that wasn't what I was talking about.
But this I DO remember ...... when we went to the beach for fireworks with you (your first time) and you were in awe of how cool it was to be on the beach in Florida watching the show. ("This is my life ... I can't believe it!") And I remember how I felt to vicariously feel your excitement! My thought is this, when you watch your baby see her first show (that she can actually enjoy) and you see the excitement on her face, you will be so full of joy! Those are the 4th's that you have to look forward to. You get to see her first everything ... How cool is that!!! :)
Of course, I didn't believe anything she said at that time. I was busy being miserable, fat, hot, and terrified. Moving back to Ohio because I got unexpectedly pregnant was NOT in my plan. At that point in my life, I felt like my life was ruined. I had no idea how to change a diaper or soothe a crying baby, much less teach it everything it would need to know in life. I was so angry and frustrated and ungrateful... And then, in walks Irony.
Not only do I feel like my life truly improved when Olivia was born, but this fourth of July will be Rick and my first year anniversary together. To imagine my life would be so full, so happy, so hectic, chaotic, crazy, and complete, was impossible for me back then. Not only do I have a beautiful little girl who amazes me on a daily basis with her innocence, intelligence, beauty, curiosity, and unwavering love, I'm sharing all of this with a man that truly enjoys Olivia as much as I do.
I used to be a planner. I had my budget in spreadsheet format, color coded and done for years in advance. I would plan my future, constantly waiting for the "next step" in life. All of that shattered on December 20, 2005 after I took 6 home pregnancy tests and had my suspicions confirmed by a doctor. I remember driving around after my dr's appointment, getting lost in my own neighborhood because I was in such shock. I spent a lot of the following months crying, feeling as though I'd lost everything I'd worked for. I'm ashamed of myself now. I remember my mom telling me during the end of my pregnancy that I was carrying a miracle and should appreciate that. I had no idea what she was talking about then, but I do now. I have only one regret in life - that I was so unhappy during my pregnancy with Olivia. If only I could have seen how much the future held for us.
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